I'm really tired. Let's hope this makes sense.
This semester I joined another student organization called ACM Siggraph. It's a club for people who are fans of animation, graphic design, 3d modeling, illustration and the like. Their first meeting was two Wednesdays ago. My first impression of all the people who attended was "wow, these people are like a bunch of less intense Cepheids". There were at least three dozen people, and so many were wearing shirts reflecting fandoms they were apart of. I saw people wearing shirts with super hero references, video game references, cartoon and movie references. I regretted immedeately not wearing a homestuck shirt, and I didn't think to bring my hat because the meeting was at 7:30, and it was cloudy (I wear my hat to prevent sunburn on my scalp). Anyway, nearly 90 percent of the people there were visual arts majors and I felt kind of envious. A few people had sketch books. I met a girl who goes by laryndawn on tumblr drawing gravity falls fan art and we fangirled for a while. We had both seen Sock Opera for the first time earlier that day. The thing that really caught my eye about the club was that they offered "workshops". The first work shop was last Wednesday and it was an introduction to Maya.
Maya is 3D modeling/animating/texturing program. Have you ever seen a 3d animated movie recently? How about HTTYD? Frozen? Even CGI in those super hero movies us Maya among others. I got a free 3 year student trial of the program from Autodesk (and you can too if you have a student email that ends in .edu!) Anyway, I went to the meeting last wednesday in utter excitement, but when I got there and sat down, I saw a girl in front of me making HTTYD2 fan art on photoshop. She was recreating a scene from the movie using only colored rectangles. Thousands and thousands of small boxes layered over each other to add texture, shading and detail. It was no where near finished, but when I first saw it I was immediately filled intense jealousy. I understand why I felt this way, and it's that I'm a horribly narcissistic person. The fan art was beautiful and the patience that girl had to place every single little box and eye drop every single hue from her reference is unmatchable, but I can't stand how the first thing I thought/felt seeing someone doing something better than I can (and probably better than anything I will ever make) is anger and envy. It's awful that the first thing I think is "how DARE she be so good? Why can't I make something that neat? It's not fair!" This mind set is horrible for my health. I've felt this way before about a lot of things, and I have learned to recognize it when I start to get jealous. I have to remind myself that these people worked really hard to get where they are now, and I could be that good too one day if I stop complaining and practice like they do. I still haven't learned how to stop feeling this way in general. It's like my gut reaction and I don't know if I'll ever change. After I talk to myself I can start to appreciate the work that made me feel bad. These negative thoughts and emotions are the reason I can never be an artist or illustrator or animator as a profession. I'm constantly comparing myself to people who are better than me and hating them for it when it's not their fault. Plus, I can't take harsh criticism. I love learning how to do art, how to make new art and new techniques. I love learning how to animate, but forcing myself to draw or animate every day would drive me insane. I know there's a saying "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" and while I can see where they're coming from, If I did art and animation everyday and have people criticize me if it's not perfect would take out all the fun I have when I do art.
ACM Siggraph meetings are held in the visual arts building. On the walls are lots of art pieces from the students. Last wednesday there were painted wooden dinosaur skeletons everywhere. It was such an inspiring building, but I felt so sad and worried when I saw it all. Why? because I began questioning my career choices. I began getting envious again. I was wishing I could take art classes and learn how to make such cool things. I envisioned myself doing all these fun projects, getting my hands dirty with paint and charcoal. I began to question if I would be happy with a job centered around my Wild Life and Fisheries schooling and I began to worry that I wouldn't and I was wasting my time and money when I really belonged here in the arts. I spent a long night talking to myself, and came to the conclusion that I would never be a good artist for the reasons above. I'd probably spend too much time being angry at all my classmates for being better at me.
Back to a tangent I wanted to touch but completely forgot; I have the attention span of a squirrel and the patience of a three year old. I love learning things, but if you go too slow I will stop listening. If you go to fast I will shut down. I was excited to learn maya, and I did learn a lot, but we tried to make a model from scratch out of cones and cylinders I got lost and gave up. I know the only way to get better is to keep practicing and mess up a thousand times more before I get it right, but I had fallen into a pit of disrepair. I still have Maya on my computer. I'll have it for three years. I don't know when I'll mess with it next. As much as I want to, I don't allow myself to experiment so I focus on school work. There are a lot of free tutorials about Maya on the internet, and If and when I want to teach myself, I won't know where to start. I am glad there are resources out there though.
Today I went to a wolf sanctuary with my Ethology class. I can't recall ever seeing live wolves in person before in my life. The sanctuary was pretty small, and they had wolf-dog hybrids as well. I took lots of videos and got to pet one of the wolf-dogs. found a preying mantis in a tree there by total luck and bought a wolf pin for my hat. I didn't realize it until we were driving back to college station how happy I was. Just observing the animals and watching the volunteers work with them made me envious, but in a good way. I love learning about animals. I'm excited to work with animals, and working with animals requires a lot less talent and criticism. (well, the practice/experience/skill is still needed but I feel it's easier to learn and it's not a competition unlike art jobs) Working with animals is something I can do everyday and not fear people judge me, (again, well, they can judge me on how I care for them, but I trust myself knowing how to care for a creature I love and want to have the best quality of life). I feel good about choosing to pursue another degree in WFSC and I'm excited to see where my degrees take me.
My computer got a virus about two weeks back. I got an email from my schools IT department basically saying "you have a virus. Get rid of it or we'll cut off your internet access before you infect the entire school". I downloaded the virus cleaner they suggested to me, but I got another email saying my computer was still infected. I ran it again, it didn't find anything, I told them and I was good for a week. Yesterday morning I was able to check my email, but I couldn't get on the internet by noon. I went to the computer service center at 7, and spent TWO HOURS downloading all these virus cleaners and running all these scans to get absolutely everything they could find. One scan was taking too long, and I had to leave, but I ran it when I got home. The scan lasted five. hours. It finished at 2, found ONE THING and removed it. Today I went back to the computer service center, showed them what the scanner had found, and they sent an email to the higher up IT people asking them to give me my access back. I hope they do soon. The email they sent was filled with a detailed report of all the scans I did and what they found, but if I don't hear from them by noon tomorrow I'm calling them because it will have been over 24 hours, and I had to go all the way to the MSC because they're the only place open past 8pm on a saturday with computers to do two online quizes due tonight. I'm still at the msc right now. That's how I'm typing this journal. They're open until 1am so I have two hours left. While I'm here I checked my youtube and other social media sites. I don't like logging in to deviant art or youtube on computers that are not my own (mostly because I don't like people seeing my screen from behind me, viewing... questionable content.) But for now I'm giving in and catching up on two days of missed youtube videos, and a very full deviantart inbox.
My head hurts. I'm going home and I'm going to bed now.
Reading: not school work
Watching: gravity falls
Playing: Flight Rising
Drinking: BOTTLED WATER