I started typing this at 3:08pm. Let's see how long it takes me to articulate my thoughts.

So last year I was invited to a wedding that happened yesterday. This is the first wedding I can personally remember going to (apprently I've been to two others according to my mom, and was even the flower girl at one of them) and this was definately the first wedding I was specifically invited for, and not dragged along like luggage when I was a toddler.

I knew this wedding was happening for over a year. I planned and prepared and asked for time off from work for months in advance. The drive there was a bit of a headache because my manager asked me to stay 3 hours late at work the night before I had to make the 5 hour drive, which he knew I had to take because I had been warning and reminding him I was leaving at least two months prior, but decided it was a good idea to spring this on me day of.

My original plan to leave town friday night, stop and spend the night at my sister's house halfway to my destination and finish the rest of the journey saturday morning was scrapped. I did not want to be driving near midnight on a holiday weekend when a bunch of other people would be leaving the city as well, so my mom and I woke up at 4am on saturday and hit the road at 5, driving the entire 300 miles in one go (while also making a stop at buc-ee's about an hour in). Despite taking sleep aids and going to bed early, it was incredibly unnerving to see my mom, my driver, slapping her face and constantly shaking her head to stay awake on the drive, so fearing for my own safety, I offered to drive part of the way (which was a hair-raising experience for myself because I drive a compact car, and she drives a minivan, and I've never driven a car as big as hers before). She said we could switch after an hour, but as soon as she was off of the wheel, she passed out, and I drove for 2 hours non stop. Thankfully were were out of the thick of the city and on country roads, so the going was straight and the traffic was light. when we were about 50 miles from our destination, we switched back, then went to a zoo and dicked around there for 4 hours, before we had to navigate the downtown area of this new city and find the hotel we rented for the night.

MOM RANT BEGIN

Saturday night and evening was probably the worst part of my weekend, and it solitified my resolve never to let my mom come anywhere with me again if we have to be together somewhere over night. I originally wanted to make this trip all by myself, but she said she "didn't trust my car" to make such a long drive. I was skeptical at the time, but then decided "hey, saves me gas and milage, and I won't have to drive", but as soon as I had to take over the wheel for her, my nagging doubts started screaming "i told you so. you should have just done this by yourself. You'd be way less irritated and grouchy at everyone if she wasn't here." 

I forgot to mention before the drive she printed out 8 pages of directions to the hotel, zoo, and venue before we left, but as soon as I showed her my GPS on my phone was more accurate and talked to you, so you didn't have to read and drive at the same time, she instantly wanted me to be the navigator instead. I can't explain why this annoys me. I think it's the fact that she refuses to learn how to use technology herself when her own phone can do this too, (or even attempt to use google maps) or the fact that she automatically assumed I would tell her every exit and turn to take after she insisted she knew how to get there from her print outs, roping me into a role I did not want to perform or ask for, (especially when she doesn't even politely ask me to do it. she just expects me to).

Anyway, we checked into our hotel at 3 and my mom instantly fell asleep again. I used google to find reasturants near us for dinner. Everything close to us was either expensive or closed for the holiday, and cheap/open places were far away. Now, I'm in a place I don't know, so I don't feel like driving, even if it means I don't eat dinner that night. It doesn't bother me. I have no qualms about going to bed without eating. Some may think it's a protest, but for me, I really just can't be bothered to go wandering around unfamiliar streets. But not my mom. 5pm hits and she drags me out of the hotel room, insisting we find a place to eat dinner, even though I tell her I don't want to. She gives me this weird look, like I'm throwing a temper tantrum, or maybe she thinks I'm crazy for not wanting to eat, but she says's she's hungry. Well... Okay? She can just go on her own. she's an adult. I don't need to be there. But when I get in the car, I realize she only wanted me there to be navigator, again. she decides to pick a random highway and just drive, insisting "we'll find a reasurant off the side of a highway." Now, I don't care where we go. I don't want to eat, but she keeps asking me where to stop. I tell her I don't care, and she gets mad at me for not picking a place, casually forgetting that I don't want to be here and that this whole situation is her doing. We finally stop at an Ihop after driving with no goal for nearly an hour. I eat some mediocre cannolis, and we head back to our hotel. 

Now, it's here that I really get mad. I shower, I take sleep aid, and I go to bed, and I even manage to sleep for 4 hours until her monstrous snoring wakes me up. Knowing I'm not going to sleep, I open my phone, and just do duolingo lessons. (I finally got in the ruby league, and I thought once you did you would get an achievement or something, so you didn't have to compete anymore, but since duolingo expects you to constantly fight other users to stay up there for the rest of your life, I decided I will gladly let myself fall back off the leaderboard so I don't have to stress about my placement anymore). around midnight my mom wakes up and asks why I can't sleep. I tell her neutrally "you're snoring too loud", and she has the nerve to get huffy at me, saying "well I don't feel like i've slept at all! I feel like I just closed my eyes and opened them again!" As if this is comparable. As if this is supposed to make me say "sorry I'm upset about not getting rest when you don't feel rested either." After she fell back asleep 5 minutes later, I grabbed my comforter and pillows and slept on the bathroom floor with my earbuds in and a video of white noise playing on my phone. Sadly, moving to the bathroom only put me about 10 more feet away from her, and the door was thin, and my phone died after 2 hours, so I still heard her throat-choking, sleep screaming all night and only got about 3 hours of rest maximum. I really wish she had found me there the next morning so I could tell her to her face her snoring was so bad, but my own internal clock won't let me sleep past 8am no matter the day, and I WAS hungry now, so I got up, got dressed, and went to the continental breakfast before she could see the lengths I had to go through to get some decent sleep. 

Speaking of breakfast, she almost seemed offended I was going to breakfast without her. It's like... she can't grasp the concept that I am an adult who does not need their hand held, or get the fact that I can and will do things without her. Just because she was there doesn't mean I needed her, nor did I necesarily want her there. I did not ask her to come. SHe was simply convenient. It's like... she inserted herself into my plans, then get's annoyed when I don't include her in every action I do.

After breakfast, I told her I was going to take a nap (but I didn't tell her it was because I didn't sleep that night). She let me, grading papers she had packed with her (she's a teacher) in silence for two hours. But the thing is, I never went to sleep. Sure, I was lying there, my eyes closed, practicing slow breathing techniques, but I never slept and I never dreamed. I mostly just wanted there to be quiet for a couple hours before we had to check out and go to the wedding. This way I didn't have to look at her or even talk to her. Did I feel more rested after my "nap"? no, but I certainly felt less short-tempered and was able to keep myself from losing it with her for the rest of the day, which is all I really wanted.

Check out came and went and we were on the road again for another hour to the wedding venue, with me again as the reluctant guide. We get there an hour early, and while there are other people already here, she refuses to leave the car for half an hour because she thinks we're "too early". It's hot, but I wait with her so she won't hold a grudge against me the rest of the evening for "embarassing her" if I were to abandon her in the car and go to the wedding I was invited to and that she was not. Well, the wedding started, happened, and ended, and we immediately turned to home after it was over, stopping 3 hours later at my sister's house on the way back and spending the night there before getting back home this morning. No other incidents with her happened.

MOM RANT OVER.


And now for the wedding.

The two people who got married were friends of my in college. I met the groom first in a student organization, and through him I met the bride. I knew them for roughly the same amount of time. They're both wonderful people and I love them both. What's more, they love me, and, if I'm being honest, I could never comprehend why. Why me? I was just average in the college scene, unexciting, not that out going in crowds. I Don't ever think I added much to conversations when they were had, nor did I ever offer suggestions when our club did activities. Honestly, I feel like the groom always made a point to include me when he and his bride and his other friends did things. I can't recall ever asking or initiating hanging out, mostly out of "not wanting to be a bother" syndrome us introverts have. Even now, 3 years after graduating, he still calls me to just say "hi" after he gets off work sometimes, and he always contacts me first. Looking back, I appreciate that he did this.

Once I remember the groom calling me one day after classes were over. He was crying because he was having a breakdown over midterms, fearing he would fail. I hung out with him that afternoon, simply providing company and emotional support because I'd be a goddamn liar if I said I didn't feel that exact same way my freshman year when I, this A+ highschooler, was suddenly getting C's in all my courses. A few times, I recall having to drive the bride to her workplace on the weekends when the groom was unavailable. This never bothered me. I got to spend the night at their house and pet their dog (and let me tell you I was starved for animal contact when I was in college). But, like, honestly these favors didn't seem like a big deal to me, and I certainly wouldn't say they were indebted to me for helping. They were friends. Of course I'd help them when they could. 

I bring this up because, on the thursday before the wedding, I get a text from the bride asking me about my travel plans. I tell her I plan to get there saturday, spend the night at a hotel, and go to the wedding on sunday. she says "Sounds like you're prepared! And since you're doing a reading, feel free to head over the venue at 3 for a rehearsal!"

Now this was the first I had heard of a reading. I politely ask what it was about, and uncovered a communication error. The groom was supposed to have asked me to read a line about love from Firefly before they did their vows. I think he wrote the request on my "save the date" invetation", BUT, and this is true, my invitation had gotten mixed up with another. The card in the envalope addressed to me, had the name of someone else. I told the couple about it when I got their invite in the mail, and sent off the invite to the correct person instead, but I never got my personal invite, which means I never got the reading request. If I had known about the reading at the proper time, I probably would have done it, but this close to the wedding, it interferred with my travel plans and I couldn't psyche myself up enough to talk infront of a handful of strangers I didn't know, so I politely turned them down. Both understanding as always, they said it was okay.

The wedding venue was beautiful, it was hot, and honestly there were only about 100 guests there. I good handful I recognized as other members of the student club we were all in and I hadn't seen in at least 3 years at this point. One of them was my college roommate who I had lived with for 2 years in the dorms. It was great to see them all again and catch up and complain about capitalism and how all our degrees have gone to waste. 

It wasn't until the ceramony started that I started having some cognative dissonance. The wedding itself was fine and beautiful. It had a subtle DnD theme all the way from the music to the vows and everyone was joking and laughing. When the friends picked to do their line readings, it suddenly occurred to me... why did these two initially pick me to do one of the line readings? All around me are people I know who are far more interesting and outgoing than me. They're smarter than me, dress better than me, and are probably less likely to stutter in front of a crowd of their actual blood family. Of all of the people... of all of their mutual friends.. why me? I know I didn't end up speaking, but to realize that they find me that important when I feel like I haven't done anything all that remarkable was overwhelming. I always knew they liked me as a friend, but I guess I never really realized how much they wanted me to play such an important role in their ceramony.

The next existential crisis that hit me happened when they shared their vows. They each wrote their own, and they were both truly heartfelt and moving, but... my cynical brain decided to look up at the sky and remind me "we are so small on this planet". I'm sure this was the most important day of my friends' lives and they probably felt like the center of the universe at that moment, yet the nihilist in me wouldn't let me forget how insignificant and meaningless we all are, and that the words they said are utterly pointless in the grand scheme of things. There is no ultimate power looking down on them and declairing this marriage is official in the etchings of all time. There is no god looking upon them to make sure they uphold these promises for the rest fo their lives. I felt guilty when I realized how I was thinking. I still feel guilty. It's like I wouldn't/couldn't let myself be happy for my friends. I'm secretly glad I didn't do the reading. I don't deserve it.

After the ceramony we all went into the venue for food and drinks. I was once again hit with existential turmoil when I watched my friends dance. At first I felt sad, like I was saying "goodbye" to two people I loved, and I guess in a way, I was. The dynamic that I knew between us was changing. They were married now. The status of our friendships were shifting. It was strange to feel this way and it didn't make sense. I already hadn't seen them in 3 years, so we had said goodbye a long time ago. Plus, I knew where they were, and it's not like I'm not allowed to call them and catch up every once in a while. We were still all friends, and they were still the same people, just wed now. But then this feeling of saying goodbye changed into a feeling of being forgotten. My friends were "moving on" in the next stage of their life. Maybe soon they'll start a family and have kids. Maybe they'll move away. All the while I'm still stuck at whatever stage I'm in, at a low-paying part time job, still living with my parent, struggling to find a career in line with my degree, still unable or unwilling to have conversations about myself because I feel like i've accomplished nothing worthwhile yet. My now-wed friends and all these old college buddies around me have all gone on to better things and they're not waiting for me. I don't resent them for it. I never expected them to wait, but I still feel like I'm being left behind. This also happened to me on when I stopped at my sister's place sunday night. She and her boyfriend have bought a house. They're both making a decent income and are paying bills like real adults, while i, the older sister can't get a full-time job. All the world and all the people on it are changing all around me. I want to change with it, but I don't think I'm able. I'm don't think I'm ready.

To distract myself from my metaphysical crisis about my place in the universe, I began to daydream about how i would act if I were to get married. I don't ever plan to get married, but even if I did find someone/s who is/are willing to tolerate me for years on end, I still don't think I'd want a wedding. To me personally, weddings have no point but to be money wasters that hold everyone hostage to societal pressures for several hours, forcing you to wear things you might not find comfortable, and behave and act and saythings you don't find genuine or sincere. I put my preferences aside to support my friends and be there for them, because that's what they wanted, but if I were the one to be making these decisions for my "special day", I don't think I could do it. I don't want to hide away in a room, forbidden from being seen until I walk down the isle. I don't want to dance in front of a hundred people watching me, expecting to play the part of a love-sick bride. I certainly don't want to dance with my father, or have my sister talk about me especially when my relationship with both of them is lukewarm on the best of days. (that reminds me, I am constantly baffled that there are people out there who genuinely like/love their siblings and parents. I mean, good for them, I'm not jealous, but I often forget that there are decent families out there who respect one another and want their blood relatives in their life) If I were to get married, I would just sign the papers and be done with it. No fancy clothes, no party, no plans or reservations or grandiose displays. I don't even know if I would tell that many people I was getting married, if I'm honest. Frankly, why do they even need to know? It's my business, not theirs.

Ah, but this is just my opinion, and frankly it's a good example of why I'm not a good person. I'm still grateful I was invited, not forgotten, considered important enough to come, but now that I know what experiencing a wedding is like, I don't know if I'll go to the next one I'm invited to, if that even happens again. It may sound self-centered, but it made me stressed out, it made me feel like I'm "failing" at life. I don't want to bring that energy to a party for people I love.

hmmm. It's 5:30 now. My mind feels clearer, and my emotions are more inline now that i've written them out and I can see them. I'll probably still reflect on this weekend for days to come, but at least I got the majority of my thoughts out so I can quit thinking in circles about my feelings. I can let myself move on from this single passing moment, and hopefully progress in with my life and goals too. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. Putting my thoughts on the internet make them feel more real to me, I guess.

OH BOY! It's that limbo-esque time of year after the end of the holidays and before the new year, where the stress of the season finally catches up to me and I find myself lying awake at night both anxious and depressed, because I want to relax in the rare moment that I am allowed to relax, but at the same time I feel like I'm wasting my life because I'm not doing something, so I'm gonna write a journal entry to pass the time until I'm just too physically tired to stay awake and worry about it.

First and foremost: Welcome any new watchers! If you found me through the llama trading game, THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your help! All throughout the year, I gather points through the llama trading game, and every year on Christmas day (and Christmas day ONLY) I give all those points back for my own llamas. I finally hit the golden llama this year! Now it's time to strive for those run away llamas!

So! How was everyone's holiday? I didn't have the flu this year, so that instantly made mine LEAGUES better than last year. What were your best/worst/weirdest gifts? I didn't get a lot of gifts, and I'm okay with that. My best gift was an entirely new set of bed sheets becuase my old space patterned, glow-in-the-dark ones I've had since middle school and were super faded and worn. My new ones are a nice solid navy blue to match the rest of my room. I'll need to go out and buy myself some more pillow cases, because i only got 4 when there are 10 pillows on my bed (as there should be), but I'll wait until another major holiday so I can get them on sale. My worst gift was a spongebob mug that was weirdly shaped, and had a small cake mix packet (cake-in-a-cup) that I immedately regifted to my sister so she could donate it to a White Elephant game she participated in at some other christmas party. Didn't really have any weird gifts this year. I got a lot of gift cards as well, which is ALWAYS appreciated. I love it when I don't have to spend my paycheck on food or gas.

One belated christmas gift that is on it's way is going to be the entire Kingdom Hearts collection for the PS4, given to me by my dad. He said he wanted to get me the PS4, but I refused, saying I made a solemn vow not to buy the console until the very day Kingdom Hearts 3 came out, (even though I already HAVE physical ps4 discs and no system to play them on). He thought this was funny, but respected my promise. A bit of reasoning/backstory, this is exactly what happened when I first got KH1. He bought me the game because I asked for it, but I didn't have the PS2 yet, and that following summer I did chorers at 25 cents a task and saved up $200 to buy the console myself. It was the greatest achievement of my 13 year old self. And now, 13 years later, he's promised to literally take a day off from work just to drive me out to a mall so I can buy myself a PS4. He knows he doesn't have to do this, but sometimes he enjoys in participating with me on my weird neurotic exploits and peculiarly specific way of wanting to achieve certain goals. 

I kinda don't want to make a seperate journal a week from now listing my goals for 2019, and since I don't expect to be too productive in the last 5 days of 2018 (I only have 2 of these 5 days to myself, anyway), so I figured I might as well review my 2018 in this journal and share my resolutions for 2019 in here as well. Buckle up, folks! It's time for a retrospective!

So. 2018 in a nutshell? It went by way too goddamn fast. My overall mood this year was far more pessimistic than 2017, thanks to the current political climate, but as long as we keep voting and resisting and fighting for human rights I have hope we can pull through. Okay... so I have my old journal from the very beginning of this year open in another tab. Let's see what goals I met and failed;

GOALS FOR 2018

1)Go from being 5 figures in student loan debt down to 4
Status: COMPLETED!! I met this goal halfway through 2018 like I predicted, and once I did, I went on a shopping spree for myself, buying close to 200 dollars in dragon-related books (most of which I haven't started reading yet, *sobs*) as well as other random useless crap I wanted to have, like stuffed animals, becaue I'm a god damned adult and I make my own life choices and YES MOM, I DO NEED THIS PLUSHIE OF A RED PANDA BECAUSE IT'S TOO GOD DAMN SOFT AND I GET A 30% DISCOUNT OFF OF ALL PRODUCTS AT MY WORK PLACE. I also bought everyone christmas gifts this year, which felt good~ It was nice making my friends and family happy~

2)Stretch Daily
Status: FAILED. I kept this up for about a week and then just.... didn't do it. I DID however, download a Home Workout APP for my phone and kept that up for a couple of months? Like, that wasn't even one of my goals?? In fact, in my old journal, I even clearly stated that I WASN"T going to list "excercise" as one of my goals because I knew I wouldn't do it, but then decided to do it anyway in the spur of the moment??? Idk, what even happened. I just steped on a scale one summer day for shits and giggles, didn't like the number and decided then and there to start exercising daily for my own health. (the only reason I stopped, btw, was because november started and I needed to spend every waking minute writing for NaNoWriMo). I might try and add this goal back to my list for 2019 and work my way up to regularly exercising again. (I probably need to go to a chiropractor anyway. My neck and shoulders have been aching for like, a month now, and I probably need an adjustment. Curse the growing pains of life)

3)Do Another Song Comic
Status: COMPLETED!! And you know what? It was a song comic I didn't even plan. I made one at the beginning of the year for the Hiveswap Comic Contest (I didn't win, btw) but I made one over the course of 6 weeks and it came out pretty good! Now I still got a bunch of other ideas for song comics, some I've sketched and storyboarded. Maybe I'll finish one or two of those in 2019???

4)STOP TOUCHING YOUR GODDAMN FACE/ Find effective acne treatment
Status: Eh???? I still touch my face too much, and pop pimples when I shouldn't, but I have gotten better about washing my face at least once a day, and I've recently started exfoliating. I've learned my hormone cycle effects my skin condition, and much like a period, I can track/predict when my skin is gonna break out, which is really helping me avoid absently picking at my face. Hey, now that I'm over the age of 26 and pay for my own health care, I might even get hormonal medication to help with the issue. I've used birth control before and I remember how it made my skin fucking flawless. 

5)Do at least one art stream a month
Status: Met??? I guess??? I have been streaming A LOT this year, almost on a weekly basis. Mostly they're 2-3 hour long streams as I make a comic page for an Undertale Fan Comic I started mid june and have been updating weekly since. Again, I go live on picarto, but... I just... don't tell anyone I do. Maybe I'll be more regular and vocal about it this year?? I sure hope so, for... various reasons.

6) Work on Fox Project
Status: Attempted. I got the opening written and edited... now I just need to write 10+ seperate story lines for this.... project. I did not learn C# or make asset art, but I did start making art for my OCs and even put some designs on Redbubble and made a couple sales which has honest to god blown my mind. There are people out there who have bought products with my furry fox characters on them simply because they liked how they looked. As an artist, this has made me transend this plane of existance. I have evolved and unlocked my third eye. Now to tackle that galaxy brain.

7)Practice ASL
Status: COMPLETED!! I finished the first 2 ASL courses on memrise and will start/complete the third in 2019. After I complete the memrise courses, I'll have to go elsewhere for more vocabulary and grammar lessons, but I know there are plenty of resources out there. I hope to be conversationally fluent by the end of 2019~

8)Sew 4 stuffed animals
Status: Attempted. I finished one. Hobbes! Which you can see here: clevercatchphrase.tumblr.com/p…

9)Make 2 AMVs
Status: Failed. I just... don't want to waste my time rewatching old cartoons, even though I know I lOVE A;TLA and tolerate LOK. I don't watch that much TV at all anymore, tbh. I don't feel productive sitting on a couch and staring a screen. (Now sitting on a computer chair and staring a monitor? Totally different story.)

10)Finish my many, many Undertale Fics
Status: Failed. If the Hiveswap Comic Contest hadn't happened at the beginning of this year, I might have succeeded, but instead I spent 12 weeks drawing comics in an attempt to get my fantroll in a game, and did not even place. I DID finish 3 stories (and one series (on Christmas Day, no less!)) though. Unfortulately all 3 of these stories were explicit and not ones I had necessarily planned to write when I made my list at the beginning of 2018, so I don't know what this says about me as a person. At least I wrote something, right? _...right???

OVERVIEW:
Of the 10 goals I set, I completed 4 or 5 depending on how forgiving I am with myself. Finishing half my goals seems to be the norm for me anyway, and I gotta say, I'm proud I completed more than I thought~ Now onto the goals for 2019~!

GOALS FOR 2019

(I'm half tempted just to copy/paste my Project List here, but my goals for the year are more than just art-oriented. But if you want to learn more in depth about my art projects, you can check out that journal here!: Project List for 2018 (and Onward I Guess) )

1) Pay off student loans.
I owe 9k across 2 loans. If I had been as frugal this year as I was last, I'd be down to one right now, but I'd rather buy gifts and take a little longer saving up than hoarding all my money just to blow my load again. I still have managed to save quite a bit, and I should cut down my current debt in half by the end of january/middle of february, and pay the rest off by August. We'll just have to wait and see. Now that I pay for my own health care, I've got to budget more carefully on my part-time paycheck. :/

2) Health
-Stretch daily. Maybe do more intense exercise at least once a week
-Find a better acne management system

3) Song Comics
I have 7 listed on my project list, and 4 of them are scripted or further! I'll try to finish at least one, but I have a feeling that after I play/beat kh3, I might be inspired to finish all 4, or abandon them. Only time will tell.

4) Redbubble Art
I started a redbubble in october of 2017, and then put my first designs up in october of 2018. I want to make self-indulgent art of my own fox OCs, and would like to have at least one design for each of them. I already have designs for 2 of them up, so that just means I need to make a minimum of 8 more. Heck, I might even make holiday art of them and sell them as art prints.

5) Fox Project
Seperate from the Redbubble art. I want to write the main 10 story routes for this project at least. Coding and asset art can come later.

6) Practice ASL
I plan to finish the ASL3 course on memrise. Idk what I'll do after that. Maybe look into lifeprint.com or start-american-sign-language.com

7)Sewing
I want to sew at least one of the three remaining plushies I had planned. Of course, I'd need to draw the patterns and get the materials and what not, but it shouldn't be too hard. I'm always a slut at jo-ann's fabric. Fucking miss me hobby lobby. Your textile selection is mediocre at best.

8) Ghost Switch.
I started an undertale fan comic this year and have been updating it weekly without fail. I hope to build a buffer and maybe even a following, but since tumblr is making it nigh impossible to share art, I plan to jump to pillowfort once they re-open registration. Unrelated-but-also-related, I started a patreon. It's not hard to find, but I won't share it publically juuuust yet. I want to completely pay off one of my last two student loans before that happens because of reasons. (ie, re-read my paragraph on my obsesive-compulsive habits when it comes to executing significant/major decisions in my life)

9) Diversify/stabilize income
This May will mark the 3 year anniversery of me working at my part-time job. While I love working at the zoo, every attempt I've made to become a full-time keeper has fallen through. I do not blame my managers nor hold resentment for those who got the jobs I tried for. They are amazingly capable and totally deserving. Zookeeping is just a competative field, plain and simple. But I cannot deny it any more that I cannot live on this pay check. I still live with my parent, and while our arrangement is wonderfully symbiotic (I do most of the cooking, cleaning and waste management in exchange for free room and board while I pay off my debt) I would like to start saving up enough to eventually move out. I hope to do this by supporting myself via patreon for my fan comic, as well as redbubble (or other similiar sites) with my own original art work. For me, this means broadcasting myself on social media, casting my net wide and hoping to build an audience. Sometimes I look at the task with excitement, like a challenge to conquer and sometimes it seems menial, tending to so many socials, trying to catch as many eyes as I can. I don't have a twitter, instagram or facebook, but if it will help with advertising, I may seriously think about starting one. My only fear is that I will spread myself too thin, trying to keep so many things updated at the same time. I already fear I have an unhealthy relationship with how much time I spend on the internet. I don't want to worsen it for myself.

10) Make a story time youtube video
I mainly want to do this just to see if I can. I've attempted so many other art forms/medias in my life, so why not one more? I seriously don't see myself becoming a "professional youtuber" though. It just looks like fun to tell silly stories and draw funny pictures to go along with them.

11) Finish Fan Fics
All but one of these is Undertale related. I'll let you guss which one is which. (probably shouldn't be too hard if you look at my Project List journal, lol)
-You Monster
-Color Theory
-Grin and Bear It
-Three's Company, Too
-Game Day!
-Science Fair!
-School Dance!
-Let's Get Real
-Would You Like Fries With That?
-Until Daylight Comes

12) General Art
Draw some shitty comics. Mostly the work related ones from my Project List journal
Finish a sketch book. (10 more pages, and I'll finish my current one, but I know I'm not gonna do it this year. But this is the secret to success! Set those bars so low, they become a tripping hazard, baby!)
Anything else from my project list journal.


Wow, this took me nearly two hours to type and I am exhausted now, but I do feel sufficiently better! I hope you all are having a wonderful holiday! Please stay safe, and if you want, tell me your goals for 2019 if you have any! See you around, guys~!

I meant to write this journal two days ago, but I was at work and as soon as I got home, I showered, ate dinner, went to bed, and ended up completely forgetting.

But anyway! The year is halfway over! What have you accomplished so far? Meeting any goals? Just surviving? so far this year i've;
-Written and completed two short fan fics
-Revised, edited and posted two longer chapters of an even bigger fan fic (that i hope to finish this year)
-Drawn a LOT of single comic strips that I had no idea I would do (it was for a contest. I didn't win)
-Made a 60 pannel song comic for that contest as well.
-Completed one of my resolutions to get under 10k in student loans
-Went on an Amazon shopping spree to celebrate owing less than ten thousand dollars in loans and ended up buying about 20 books and two new stuffed animals
-Read two of those books and started working on the third out of twenty
-Started an Undertale fan comic and have queued up enough post to get me through August
-Drawn on 30 out of the remaining 55 pages of my current sketch book
-Decided to donate at least a thrid of all the shirts I own to charity, then went on redbubble and bought some new ones
-Got four of my posters framed and hung on my wall
-Cried about Kingdom Hearts
-Cried about Undertale
-Cried about How to Train Your Dragon
-Probably cried about some other things too, I can't remember right now
-Scripted and planned a game I want to make (but this is gonna take a long time for me to accomplish unless I learn C# unbelievably quickly)

Aaaand that's about it for me. At least, that's what I can remember right now. It's been a productive year so far! I hope to keep up my pace for the remaining six months. I hope life is treating you kindly as well~

Play us off, Bon Jovi!

I'm in one of those moods where I feel super productive and want to work on every art project ever, but it's also right before my bed time because I need to wake up at 5 in the morning, so I'm gonna make a list as a quick reference I can look back on so I quit wasting scraps of paper that I lose on my desk. Also, I feel if I post it online where people can see it, I feel more held accountable if I don't actually work on said projects. The last one of these types of journals I made was in 2015, and I actually got a few of those projects done! Not a lot, but more than I thought I did.

Mondays: Drawing the silly short comics, drawing in my sketchbook and warming up my artistic body.
Tuesdays: Work on the Song Comics and streaming it.
Wednesdays: Writing day. Revise and edit or write new words.
Thrusdays: Rest day? Personal Day? "My Choice" day?
Friday through Sunday I work at the Real Job^TM

(my ultimate goal is to learn to schedule my time efficiently so I can effectively be working on projects every day that I'm not working at my job. To be reliable enough to warrant wanting to start a patreon... ain't that the dream?)
 

Long Story Comic Projects

*Across the Meta Dimensions (Hiveswap. Technically not a weekly comic page story like the rest, but... once it's done you'll understand)
Ghost Switch (Undertale AU)
Child of the Mark (Original Work)
Black Enough (Personal 4 part comic. Finish before February)

Short Strip Comics

Work Related:

• Exit Part1
  
• Exit Part2
  
• Exit Part3
  
• No Teeth
  
• They Bite
  
• Living The Dream
  

The Revalation
Fan troll and losing the contest
Fan fiction torture
Thread snake
Validation

Fan Fic

You Monster (Undertale. Revise and edit the 4 chapters I wrote last november, and finish the final 3)
Color Theory (Undertale. Chara and Asriel)
Would You Like Fries With That? (Undertale. something about BP and NCG)
Game Day! (Undertale. Working title. Absolutely nothing planned beyond something to do with metatton and soccer games)
Science Fair! (Undertale. Same vein as above, but with undyne and school projects)
Let's Get Real (Undertale. NSFW. Just one long running joke not to be taken seriously)
Grin and Bear It (Undertale. NSFW. The really fucked up one)

Illustrated Music

Color Key:
 = Conceptualized
 = Scripted
 = Storyboarded
 = Stetched
 = Inked
 = Flat Colored
 = Backgrounds/Shading and Highlighting 
 = On Hold/Hiatus 

 Undertale - Dead Hearts (Stars) 
 BOBD - Half of my Mistakes (Radney Foster)
 KH 1 & 2 - Home (Phillip Phillips)
 Homestuck - Good Riddance (Green Day)
 KH BBS - Always Gold (Radical Face)
 KH 3 - In Our Bedroom After the War (Stars)
 Homestuck - Love (American Authors)

Video Game

Write Story
Draw Assets
Learn C#
Find Legal Music

Art Trades

All caught up! (for now) 

Sewing

A Pangolin? (No pattern yet)
A Plaidypus (No pattern yet)
The other one. (you know the one)

AMVs (yes I still want to make these three years later)

Legend of Korra - Viva la Vida
A;tLA - Run Boy Run

Original Writings

The OC one
The Dragon One
The Home School One

General Art

Illustrating my own fan fics? (YM, OTM)
John - Best Day of my Life
Draw more Birddog
Draw more fan trolls
Video Game Concept Art
Fan comic for someone who has a cool fan troll
Caretaker Fan Art (what's worse than a murderer)
NitW - This Isn't The End
I love commas little animation